This is a difficult post for me to write. To be honest, I’m still trying to process and get my head around it. How best to respond has played on my mind and I need closure on this. So, here we go. I’m hoping that by writing this, I can turn a horrible situation into a teachable moment by talking about how things aren’t always what they seem and how important it is to exercise kindness and compassion.
You’re probably wondering what has prompted this post. Well, a few months ago, I stumbled across something nasty written about Dan and me on the internet. But, it wasn’t the usual nonsense written by strangers. This was someone claiming to know us. I was dealing with PTSD issues surrounding Elise’s birth, PMS issues (that’s a whole other story) and all of my ‘normal’ health challenges, while looking after a young baby. As a result, coming across this hurtful comment completely floored me. Now, I know that this person wasn’t to know the situation I’d be in when I stumbled across their comment. I had no idea that I’d end up in this state! But, this is a lesson in itself – when you post nasty things anonymously on the internet, take a moment to consider all of the many things someone could be dealing with if and when they come across it. This could be a death in the family, ill health, relationship difficulties, etc. Once you’ve considered some of the possible scenarios, stop and don’t post your hurtful comment. Because things aren’t always what they seem.
Now, I appreciate that I’m writing this as though you, my lovely readers and friends might consider posting something nasty anonymously on the internet and I apologise for this. The ‘you’ is meant as a general ‘you, the general public’ and not ‘you, the individual reading this’.
What this person, who claims to know us, also hasn’t considered is the effect their nasty comment may have on Elise. And this is the very reason why I’ve chosen to address their nasty, hurtful and libellous comment. I won’t risk Elise’s friends or peers stumbling across this person’t comment and potentially being mean to her because of their lies and half truths. So, while I shouldn’t have to, I’m going to explain the reality of the situation, which they claim to know so much about yet clearly don’t. Because things aren’t always what they seem to someone looking in from afar.
You’re probably wondering what has been said. Well, on one of the newspaper articles online about our SmartDrive fundraiser, someone has claimed to know us and then make accusations about our ability to afford the SmartDrive that just aren’t true. This person may know ‘OF’ us, but they don’t know us. If they did, they wouldn’t be jumping to the conclusions that they are.
This person, who knows of us but doesn’t really know us, has stated that we would be able to afford a SmartDrive (£4,795!) if we just economised a bit. They’ve stated three areas where they feel that we could and should have done this. I’m going to tackle each of these assumptions, because things aren’t always what they seem on face value.
These accusations not only make assumptions about our financial situation, but also assumptions about the cost of living for disabled people. So before I start tackling the individual half truths that this person has spread, I’d like to just remind those reading this that currently disabled people incur additional living costs averaging £570 a month, as noted by the charity Scope.
In terms of our personal situation when we set up the SmartDrive fundraiser, I was being reassessed for my Personal Independence Payment (PIP). At this time, I wasn’t receiving any money to help towards the extra costs of having a disability. I was also facing the frightening possibility that I might have to go to tribunal again. My last award was granted after tribunal that took a year and 4 months to happen, leaving me without many of the aids that I needed (including the correct tint in my precision tinted lenses) and with PTSD. We lived off one wage for this time and were doing when we set up the SmartDrive fundraiser.
Around this time, I was assessed as needing a stairlift and modifications to our bathroom. These are things that, a year later, we still haven’t been able to put in place because we just can’t afford them. You can read more about this in my Bathroom Adaptation Options post.
So, what were the accusations and what was the reality behind them?
The first accusation was that we’d been on holiday earlier that year. And yes, they were quite right. We had gone away six months earlier. But, what they either failed to include in their comment was that this trip was a birthday present to me from a very kind, thoughtful and generous family member. This family member knew the hell I’d been through during my PIP appeal and tribunal. They wanted to do something special for my birthday – a chance to relax before my award ran out a few months later. For clarification, this family member also contributed a significant amount to the SmartDrive fundraiser anonymously and was horrified when they learned that their thoughtful gift had been used against Dan and me.
What this person probably isn’t aware of is that very few people knew about that trip. I didn’t post anything about it on social media and only told those people close to me about it. However, I do know that Dan posted about it on his Facebook account. This person stated that they live in the same town as us and it’s highly likely that they are one of his Facebook friends. So I could probably narrow down the list of potential suspects to a small number quite quickly. But, I’m not going to do that. Because I’m not going to be ‘that’ person. I’m not going to allow one person, who claims to know us better than they do, to make me suspicious of the kind, caring friends that we have in our lives. Things aren’t always what they seem and I’d much rather exercise kindness and compassion. There must be more going on in this person’s life for them to feel compelled to spread half truths and rumours about us. I feel for them and I hope that whatever they were going through is now sorted and that they’re in a better situation.
The other two accusations were in relation to our family car. The first was about us having a ‘shiny new car’. But, things aren’t always what they seem. We are a one car family, as I’m not medically allowed to drive. Until recently, Dan had a long commute to work every day. Because Dan needs a reliable car, we lease and trade in for a new car once the lease is up. I don’t fully understand the specifics of it. What I do know is that, while not through the Motability scheme (for various reasons explained in my Buying Vs Leasing A WAV post), leasing a car works the same way, it’s just through different people. Does this person also have an issue with the Motability scheme, I wonder?
The other thing I’d say in response to the comment about our car, is that it’s electric. Electric cars are significantly cheaper to run than petrol or diesel cars. Dan regularly talks about our car, how fantastic it is as a vehicle and how it saves us money. Anyone who really knows us, or has seen my vlog, will know that the Nissan Leaf is an electric car. However, even with the reduction in running costs, we weren’t able to afford to buy a SmartDrive. Did I mention that we were living off one wage because I was being reassessed for my PIP!?
The final accusation that the commenter made was about Dan having a personalised number plate. This comment in itself shows just how ridiculous this person is being. Dan’s number plate was a gift from his parents many years ago. I believe it might’ve been a graduation present, but I can’t quite remember. What I do know is that he was given it several years before there was any indication that I might need a wheelchair. It’s highly likely that I didn’t even had my hEDS diagnosis at the time, since that only came at the end of 2014. Why does this person begrudge Dan a gift that he’s had for several years?
Unfortunately, the ‘big brother is watching’ tone of this person’s comment of “I’ve seen them around town” left me frightened to leave the house. But the kindness shown by everyone who supported our SmartDrive fundraiser, and having Elise wrapped to my front, gave me the strength to go out regardless. We didn’t go far in the first week after I came across this person’s comment. But we did go out every day, staying out a little longer each time.
Now, when I go out, I hope that they’re watching. That they can see how happy and contented Elise is and how involved in the local community we are, thanks to those who helped us get the SmartDrive. I hope they now realise that they were wrong to make these libellous comments and appreciate that things aren’t always what they seem. And if they come across this post (which I’ll leave as a comment on the newspaper article in question for anyone who comes across the comment to see), I hope they take away the following from it: That things aren’t always what they seem and that it’s important to exercise kindness and compassion. I hope they think twice before hiding behind a keyboard to spread inaccurate and harmful information.
I also hope that they learn about my plans for 2019 – a sling library that will benefit the local community and is only possible because of having my SmartDrive.
So what’s the moral of the story? That things aren’t always what they seem, that we need to be kind and compassionate to others and that people really should think about the effects their hurtful comments could have on someone.
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