Where's The Baby? - When Tania Talks

Every so often, something happens. Not just any something – something that stirs some deep seated emotions. Something that I feel needs to be talked about. If I’m being completely honest, now might not be the best time to be writing this. I’ve already had a complete mind blank about how to spell ‘stir’ – starting at my computer screen trying to figure out why ‘stur’ had that funny wiggly red line underneath it. I’m going to persevere, because I need to get these thoughts out. I’m talking about the question “Where’s the baby?”

To give you a little context, I am writing this in bed, on Tuesday, 18th February. I’ve had a REALLY long day, which has included travelling, three intense business learning sessions and way too long under fluorescent lighting. My vision is blurry (courtesy of my visual processing disorder), my pain levels are high (thanks to hEDS) and my heart rate is being temperamental (damn PoTS!). I was dealing with all of this while on the way home where I was met with the question “Where’s the baby?”

My really long day, was one of the few child free days I’ve had. Now, please don’t get me wrong. I LOVE that I get to spend so much time with Elise. She is amazing and if I’m being completely honest, I still can’t quite believe that she’s here and she’s real (if you followed my pregnancy journey, this will make more sense). While I love being Elise’s Mum and getting to spend so much time with my amazing mini person, it does mean that I don’t get much time to pursue my own passions. Snatched moments at nap time or staying up past bedtime, when I’m already tired and should probably be trying to catch up on some sleep (Ahem, like now).

While I wouldn’t change things for the world, for my own sanity the few days I get to focus on the Nuneaton Sling Library and babywearing consultancy services and connecting with other social entrepreneurs, are precious. They allow me to focus on myself and come back to my role as Mum refreshed. Only it didn’t quite happen this time, all because of the question “Where’s the baby?”

Before I go into today’s experience, I’m going to rewind and talk about a recent encounter that involved the question “where’s the baby?” as I know this has impacted my reaction today. But first, I need to put my laptop down, turn off the lights and get some sleep. Otherwise tomorrow, a recovery rest day with a toddler, is going to be even more challenging! Oh, and my laptop needs charging. And I really fancy some chocolate…

I thought I was going to have this post finished and scheduled for Saturday 22nd February, with time to spare. How wrong I was!

It’s now Sunday 23rd and I’m picking up my scattered thoughts. I still feel groggy and fatigued from the long day Tuesday and I’ve struggled this week. Chronic illness sucks. Anyway, back to my story…

I recently had a challenging experience in the supermarket. Dan had Elise in the trolly and I popped to the toilet. Coming out of the toilet, I was grabbed by the arm. The woman leaned over me and demanded “Where’s the baby? WHERE’S THE BABY?!” There are so many issues with this action, but I’m going to focus on just one for the point of this post.

I know a lot of parents (mostly Mums with young children), who rarely get to go to the toilet in peace. I am one of them. Having this stranger grab me and demand to know where Elise (who isn’t a baby anymore!) was, broke this once-in-a-blue-moon trip to the toilet in peace. It was also scary, which may have contributed to how the incident on the way home from my study day affected me – I’m trying to be aware of PTSD and how certain situations impact my later interactions.

Back to the experience that prompted this post…

On the way home from my study day in Birmingham, which focussed on the business side of the sling library and babywearing consultancy – AKA, my passion, someone stopped me and asked “Where’s the baby?” This took me aback. To be recognised in a big city, that I only go to twice a month with Elise, was a little scary. This wasn’t helped by a previous experience where we were followed by a stranger when Elise was a newborn, but that’s a story for another time.

I know the person asking didn’t mean any harm, but it jolted me out of my ‘me time’. My time to focus solely on a project I love so much. I sat on the train home and cried. Wondering whether people just see me as ‘Mum’. As though I don’t have anything else to offer to the world.

I know part of this is PTSD coming into play – not feeling good enough. Plus, my brain seems to be wired to keep Elise safe at all costs, which includes blocking out flashbacks, triggers and other PTSD symptoms. However, this means that when I’m not with her, they hit me like a ton of bricks.

Something I’ve been feeling a lot recently is the lack of support for parents after the newborn stage (and let’s be honest, the amount of support in those early days isn’t enough either). Even a smooth birth with no complications is traumatic for the mind and body. The physical act of growing, carrying and birthing a baby and the hormone changes that this involves are a rollercoaster ride and we aren’t all miraculously back to pre-pregnancy once baby hits 4 months old.

When asked “Where’s the baby?” I feel like my only worth is in raising Elise. Like I as an individual no longer matter. I know that at least some (if not all) of this is rooted in PTSD. I also think that its something all parents face to some degree or another.

We need to be asking parents how they are, particularly when they aren’t with their child(ren). Parenthood is full of not feeling good enough. Let’s show parents that we as a society value them as individuals, as well as parents.

How do you show the parents you know that you value them?