Fed Isn't Always Best: Misplaced Intentions

About a year or so, give or take, I wrote a blog post about why ‘Fed Is Best‘. And, while I feel the points I made in that post are still valid, I’m not sure the title is helpful. I’ve learned a lot from my time in the babywearing community, including the importance of terminology and how words and phrases can be interpreted differently to how they’re meant. I’ve also become aware that there are a significant number of people who, for whatever reason, don’t read past a title. While I don’t think the title of my blog post in context is problematic, I can see how on it’s own, it could be. So today, I thought I’d look into this in more detail and discuss why fed isn’t always best.

As the Mum of a cow’s milk protein allergy (CMPA) baby, I find the phrase ’fed is best’ problematic when used in isolation. Like so many other parents and primary caregivers, my concerns about Elise’s symptoms were dismissed, leaving me with no choice but to give Elise milk that I knew she was allergic to. She was fed, but it wasn’t the best option for either her or me.

When I see ‘fed is best’ in isolation, it feels as though I’m being told that what we went through is ok. That it’s fine that Elise didn’t receive the care she deserved and that it’s fine that I was forced to feed her milk that I knew was making her unwell (one of a number of experiences that has contributed to my birth trauma/PTSD).

While I’m sure that ‘fed is best’ is being used to empower parents to make the right decision for their family, whether that be breast, bottle or combination feeding, in isolation it doesn’t feel this way. Fed isn’t always best in all situations and it’s important that we acknowledge this. If we don’t, we risk isolating parents and caregivers who already feel backed into a corner for whatever reason.

So, what is a good alternative to the ’fed is best’ rhetoric, if fed isn’t always best?

To be honest, I’m not sure there’s a one-size-fits-all phrase. I’ve seen ‘informed is best’ flying around social media, but I’ve found this quite triggering. Because, while in theory this should be true, it wasn’t my experience. I made sure I was informed about the choices and challenges of different feeding options, how these would be impacted by my chronic illnesses and need for medication, as wells as the signs and symptoms of reflux and allergy (of which Elise had both). The problem was that medical professionals weren’t. I started raising concerns about reflux and allergy when Elise was 5 weeks old, but kept being dismissed. I was informed, but medical professionals weren’t and as a result, I was left having to feed her milk that I knew she was reacting to.

I think it’s important to be aware of the potential that our words have. What’s empowering for one person could be upsetting or triggering for another. This is a topic that isn’t limited to parenting. It’s every situation in life. I don’t know what the answer is. To be honest, I don’t think there is an answer. Just that we need to be mindful of who we’re talking to and how we’re saying things. I appreciate that my situation is different from the norm and that it’s no one’s fault that the words and phrases that are empowering for other people, I find difficult. But at the same time, my experiences and the experiences of others who don’t fit the stereotypical norm, are valid.

I don’t think there’s a one-size-fit’s-all and that’s ok.