This year, we spent Christmas with my family in Essex. This turned out to be the best thing for me in so many ways. Surrounded by some of my favourite people in the whole world, there was always someone (other than me) for Elise to play with and I got the chance to do some basic, but luxury things for a parent. Like being able to go to the toilet in relative peace. When we got to Essex, I immersed myself in every moment with my family. As a result, I ended up taking an impromptu break from social media. All of this combined did me the world of good and got my brain musing on finding the balance when back to the reality of everyday life with a toddler, blog, setting up a business, volunteering and everything in between.
Previously, I’ve made new years resolutions, which never lasted and often made me feel like a failure at the first hurdle. More recently, the last 5-10 years or so, I’ve set goals for the new year. These have been more successful, because they didn’t make me feel like I’d failed at the first hiccup. But they still didn’t ‘fit’ right. I’m hoping that my search to find the balance in life will be a constantly evolving process and, as a result, will be successful where other strategies have fallen short. We shall see. So, what does finding the balance mean to me right now, as we enter 2020?
Probably the biggest change I’m making in my quest to find a balance in life is in my to-do list. Gone are the days where everything I had to do ever ended up all on one day of my diary. Ok, that’s an exaggeration, but you get what I’m saying. I came to recognise that I was feeling stressed because I had ‘so much to do and not enough time to do it’. In finding the balance, or at least trying to, I have decided to aim for one big task and one or two little ones per day. I’ve noticed that I get irritable when I start a big job when Elise sleeps, only to not have finished it when she wakes up. So my small jobs will be for nap time and my one big job a day will be for when she’s in bed.
The world didn’t fall apart when I took a break over Christmas, so it’s not going to suddenly implode because I’ve decided to implement some pacing in my to-do list. By prioritising my tasks and focussing on just a few tasks, I’ll reduce the feeling of stress an overwhelm that comes with having too much to do. I’ll also have more energy and be more productive when I do get 5 minutes to get some jobs done. I did really well with this on the 1st January, but had way too much to work through on the 2nd. But that’s ok. Sometimes it isn’t practical leave important things off a to-do list. My aim of finding the balance is like a bullet journal – it doesn’t matter if it’s messy or not fit for purpose in it’s current state after 2 months. It grows with the user, as my intention of finding the balance will too.
Linked in to this is my phone use, specifically to play Pokemon Go and Wizards Unite. Let me rewind a bit and give you some context…
I’ve recently been given access to a scheduler for Instagram (among other social networks). One of my big blog related stresses was having to interact and post at specific times of the day. With an energetic toddler, it became impossible. I ended up feeling like Instagram was a chore, rather than something I enjoy. I’m just a few days of using the scheduler for my Instagram posts and am already falling back in love with the platform. Now that posting is taken care of, I’ve started thinking about when I can interact without creating stress. The times I play Pokemon Go and Wizards Unite seemed the ideal opportunity. So now, instead of waking up and logging in to make my first catch of the day, brew a potion and see if anyones sent me a virtual gift, I’ll be logging on to Instagram (or another social network) and sharing the love on some of my fellow bloggers and disabled peeps’ posts. Another time I would play Pokemon Go and Wizards Units is having just got into the car, in places where there are Pokestops and Wizard Inns. I realised that I could be using this time much better and will now be opening up one of my social networks during this time instead.
Content warning – weight and food.
The final area that I’m working on finding the balance in is with my diet/weight. Since having Elise, my mental health has taken a nose dive. My birth trauma was compounded by not receiving swift and appropriate management of my Premenstral Syndrome (PMS), due to a clerical error. This messed up my hormones and added to the trauma. I was later put on hormone replacement therapy, a precaution to protect my bones as the medication for my PMS has the potential to cause osteoporosis. Unfortunately, this medication triggered a depressive episode and, because the hospital didn’t listen to me when I raised concerns on multiple occasions, added to the trauma. Through a combination of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and depressive episode, my eating has been significantly emotional based. I’ve been eating my feelings and reaching for sugary foods and sugary caffeinated drinks to help me push through some extreme PTSD fatigue. I’ve put on 20lbs since giving birth and I feel rubbish for it. Well, in total, I put on 26lbs. I lost 10lbs, then Christmas happened. So I’m 20lb heavier now than I was just after I’d had Elise. I hope that makes sense.
A slimmer me
I’ve tried limiting my sugar intake, which works when I’m feeling ok, but when my mental health dips, the emotional eating kicks in as a coping mechanism and I then feel rubbish because I’ve not managed to stick to my daily sugar allowance and because I feel like a beached whale. It just wasn’t working. I know I need an alternative self soothing method, but I’m still trying to figure out what will work for me. Please don’t start suggesting things. I know they will be meant with good intentions, but right now, it really wont help and would probably end with me feeling like a failure. I know this is a PTSD response. I feel like I’m not good enough because that’s what trauma has lead me to believe. I’m working on it. It would be really helpful to be working on it with the support of a mental health professional, but unfortunately, the waiting list is a long one. It sucks, but that’s the reality. I’m doing the best I can with the resources I’ve got.
Another slimmer me
What I am going to be working on is eating with intention rather than emotion. Checking in with my feelings and identifying when I want to eat because I’m feeling overwhelmed by my emotions. When I notice this, I’m aiming to drink a glass of water mindfully. Concentrating on the cold, refreshing sensation.
I’m also going to be working on feeling better in my body as it is. Moving away from the judgment that I’m putting on myself for gaining this additional weight and trying to feel ok in my body as it is now. This is going to be hard, but I’m determined to do my best. One of the steps I’m taking to achieve this is to only weight myself once a month, rather than one to two times a week and getting annoyed with myself at the slightest gain. My aim for each month is to stay the same weight or to loose a little. It doesn’t matter how much I loose by (or if I stay the same). As long as I don’t gain weight, I will be happy.
What are you going to be working on improving in 2020?
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