Dan posted a status on Facebook & to be honest, I was surprised buy some of the responses it got. Most were lovely & supportive, but one or two had me feeling like my experiences as a disabled person & Dan’s experience as the spouse of a disabled person, were being dismissed by those without a disability. There are so many issues I want to to tackle surrounding disability. So I’m going to give each one in a different post. Today, let’s discuss accepting inappropriate disability questions.
Dan’s status was addressing comments made by delivery drivers to me, on my front door, because I using crutches. Questions like “what have you done?” Yep, a stranger, on my doorstep, asking me what I have done to cause my disability. Questions like this may seem innocent, but hearing them time & time again is tiring. From my experience, the responses that I get when I try to explain are ignorant, making me less inclined to answer people’s questions.
I’ll give you an example of one of these conversations, so you can get an idea of how quickly they can go from seemingly innocent, but misguided to rude, inappropriate & down right upsetting.
Delivery person: “What have you done?”
Me: “Nothing”
DP: “What’s wrong with you then?”
Me: “I have a connective tissue disorder”
DP: “Oh, they can fix that though?”
Me: “No, my collagen is faulty. This is the glue that holds your body together. You can’t fix faulty collagen.”
DP: “Oh, well at least you aren’t in a wheelchair.”
Me: *Rolls eyes, with my wheelchair just inside the door.*
Quite a few of the comments on Dan’s status, were that we shouldn’t let it bother us. For me, most of the time, I let it wash over me. The conversation above was a little harder to do this for. I think Dan finds it frustrating though. People asking me personal questions, on our own front door & all he can do is report the ones who become rude to the companies they work for. A few of the “Don’t let it bother you” type comments were made as advice with a genuine concern that we were getting upset about this. Others, I’m not so sure. The way they were worded & the comment that accompanied this, felt like it was coming from a place of ‘stop being petty.’ One of the comments even said this.
It felt like some of the people commenting were accepting inappropriate disability questions as the norm & an ok part of society. One of the things we were told was that it’s a harmless question. I disagree with this. What if I’d been in a horrific accident? What if I had PTSD as a result? Someone’s misguided, but not intentionally harmful comment could cause a lot of distress.
Let’s look at it from a different perspective. If a delivery driver asked me about my sexual orientation, would this be ok? If they asked me how old I am, would this be rude? It’s a harmless question after all!
It is socially accepted that questions about an adult’s age are not appropriate. So why is it seen as socially acceptable to ask someone inappropriate disability questions?
I’ve asked one delivery driver why he felt his question was appropriate. All of a sudden, he starts saying that he struggles with English, yet he’d had no problems with his English up until that point. Now, I understand that this may have been genuine, but I found it very suspicious. He looked nervous, rather than confused.
The point of Dan’s status wasn’t for us to wallow in self pity, like some people made out in their comments. It was to open people’s eyes to the awkward questions disabled people face on a day-to-day basis. Questions from strangers who have not right to ask for personal information. There are ways of asking genuine questions, which I’ll talk about in another post, but “what have you done?” is definitely not one of them.
Do you have any experience of people asking you inappropriate disability questions, or any other inappropriate question? How did you deal with this? If you challenged their question, how did they react?
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Whether you experience a question as inappropriate or not, has everything to do with your culture. I live near Rotterdam in the Netherlands and I am used to people being very direct. I think I am as well. And it doesn’t bother me, to me those questions are appropriate.
I use a wheelchair, but I also walk short distances. To me it would be weird if people wouldn’t ask questions about it when they see me doing this for the first time. I’d rather have the questions than people talking behind my back. ;-)
I agree that it’s a cultural thing, but from my experience it’s more micro cultural than widespread. I say this, because the majority of comments I get from strangers come from white British males. I can completely understand people who know me asking questions & I welcome it to aid their understanding. They just want to know so they can best support me. My issue is with strangers. People who don’t even know my name & have never met me before, feel it’s ok to ask me questions. It doesn’t just end at asking me questions either. I’ve had a few people think it’s ok to touch me. I’ve had my hand, cheek & shoulder patted while out in my wheelchair by complete strangers. Xx
Oh, I wasn’t talking about black vs. white culture. To me as a Dutch woman it’s typically British to interpretate those questions as inappropriate. ;-) Touching is considered inappropriate over here as well.
I didn’t read is as black vs. white. I just find it strange that it’s mainly British men who think it’s ok to comment. Yet we’re from the same country so share a mutual culture. I think in Britain a lot of it comes down to how we are brought up. Some people bring their children up to not ask personal questions, where are others bring their children to ask anything without considering the consequences of their questions. Xx
I can’t believe some people commented such things on Dan’s status! How disrespectful and disgusting. My sister gets these comments all the time, especially from waiters oddly enough. They always ask what she’s done when she’s on crutches and if she turns round and says ‘well actually I had bone cancer, have no bone in this leg, it’s all metal and it’s recently been operated on’ they act like she’s the one with the problem. She ends up just lying because it makes her feel so uncomfortable and it’s awful!
Steph – http://www.nourishmeblog.co.uk
I welcome a healthy debate & everyone is entitled to their opinion, but when I was told that I needed to “re-evaluate my life” & “stop being petty” that was hurtful. The person making these comments couldn’t see that they were ablesplaning & disregarding my experiences. Something that is unfortunately all too common.
I’m so sorry your sister experiences these type of comments too. She’s a strong woman to have battled cancer & then have to deal with people’s inappropriate comments on top of that. I’ve also been in the position where people try to turn it around when I explain to them my condition & it’s a horrible feeling. All we’re doing is going about our lives & someone is rude & tries to make us feel like we’re in the wrong!?! That’s not ok.
I’ve got a friend who comes out with the most outlandish lies. I need to start doing this too, just to see how gullible people are! Xx
I’ve noticed a lot more comments since I’ve declined. I hate delivery drivers who leave parcels outside on the floor despite a disabled sticker on the door to tell them to be patient. I hate when the think the fat on my leg is all my fault, I have lipoedema and my legs look terrible. I’ve been told everything from that can’t be a real disease to your just fat and that was before I became disabled. I hate the comments it’s not pleasant leaving the house or meeting unfamiliar people at the door.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this, it’s hard enough to take questions from strangers, but I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be when comments are also aimed at your appearance. That’s a double punch in the stomach. I’m always her if you want to talk. You are beautiful & none of this is your fault. Xx
This is such an important post, and I hope that many people read this! What you said applies to so many things in life, not only physical disabilities but also things like anxiety and depression. People can be very inconsiderate. However, I have learned not to let it get to me too much. I find that most of the time (not always), when people ask such inappropriate questions, it isn’t because they’re malicious but rather just ignorant/inconsiderate but without ill intentions. Still, it can be frustrating, and I think it’s pretty appalling how anyone could tell your friend that they were being petty. ;/ x x x
Kay
http://shoesandglitter.com
Thank you so much Kay! That really means a lot. You’re so right, there are SO many instances where strangers ask questions or make comments that really are none of their business. I’m sure similar things happen to those in the LGBT+ community, for example. I completely agree that the vast majority don’t mean any offence. It just worries me that their questions could cause emotional harm to some. Xx
This is a tricky one for me, I do ask when I see someone in crutches if they are okay and I do take time to listen and my replies are always genuine. There’s no point in asking if I am not sincerely concerned but on the other hand, I also know how some can be a dick about it. I can’t imagine how frustrating it can be for you to go through this day after day. :-(
Shireen | Reflection of Sanity
That’s fantastic that you ask if someone is ok. Doing this opens the door for people to ask for help if they’re struggling. I know I have a tendency to do too much & pay for it later, because I’m stubborn & don’t like asking for help. I’m getting better at accepting it if it’s offered though, especially if I’m struggling. Thank you for being someone who makes a difference. Xx
It makes me fell kind of uncomfortable, I don’t mind it but some days I’d rather not deal with all the questions :/
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this too. Sending lots of love your way. Xx
I get asked a lot of questions, mostly people I don’t know if I’m at an appointment or out and about assuming things and asking “what have you done to your leg?” or people I know but not know well saying “what have you done?” it doesn’t really bother me to be honest, I usually just say that I have a medical condition and it has deteriorated and that usually does it, but it doesn’t really bother me. The post lady knows that I am unwell, we usually have a good chat ha ha, she is here that much because of my blogger parcels so she knows whats wrong with me, but I’ve never been asked off a delivery driver. If it does offend you though it’s not nice and we all feel differently about things so Dan’s friends shouldn’t be off about it, it’s how you both feel and if this is on is facebook aren’t these his friends? If so they shouldn’t be so rude about how you feel, what is a big deal to one person isn’t to another and you might find something they get upset about not a massive deal but you wouldn’t be so rude, at least you know you’re a nice person who wouldn’t offend. Keep smiling lovely, lots of love xxxx
Zoe ♥ MammafulZo
Thanks you so much for this lovely comment. I wonder whether I find it rude because of the direction some of the conversations have taken. I’ve had comments about my ability to earn & similar. So maybe I’m just wary that questions will end up taking a direction I’m not comfortable with. I guess I just feel like, if people don’t know my name why do they think it’s ok to ask about my disability? I completely agree that what ever people’s point of views, these need to be voiced in a respectful manner. This person proceeded to tell me that I need to “re-evaluate my life” & “stop being petty.” That’s just plain rude. Xx
This is why I love blogging because you get so many different insights and this is such an interesting post that I and I’m sure many others can learn from. I must confess that in certain instances I would perhaps be someone who by way of making conversation if I saw someone on crutches ask what they had done, not thinking it could cause offence. It just shows you have to be a bit more thoughtful about things.
What is baffling is the reaction to your friends on the status when talking about it, whatever anyone thinks about these things your feelings about it are still relevant.
Victoria x
FlorenceandMary.com
Thank you so much! I think he took it personally, as a delivery driver who has asked similar questions to people. It’s a shame that he saw it as a personal attack rather than use it as an opportunity to think about how his comments may affect people, as you have done. What ever people’s points of view, it’s important to always remain polite. Being told to “re-evaluate your life” & “stop being petty” is no way to speak to anyone. Xx
I love your blog for posts like this, even if it makes just one person think before they open their mouths, it’s a good thing! x
Holly ∣ Closingwinter
Thank you so much Holly, that really means a lot. Xx
I have to say I have mixed feelings about your blog post, because I can see it from both sides. There are times when I want to show concern and empathy for a disabled person, and yet I hold back on asking questions or speaking to them for fear of causing upset, distress or anger. How do we navigate this most delicate and evolving social world?
I am not disabled, but I do have a debilitating genetic health condition. It is so rare that the NHS/government will not recognise it as a disability, so I have had to learn to live with it. That is why I often wear sunglasses when the sun isn’t shining, and that often results in sarcastic comments from people around me, because they don’t know me well enough. https://spookymrsgreen.com/2014/04/18/atozchallenge-living-with-chronic-pain/
It sounds like you tackle it well, because you think about the impact that questions can have on someone. I’m still trying to work out why people think that if they don’t know my name they can ask such direct & personal questions. I could understand questions that are aimed to show concern or empathy, but I don’t feel “what have you done?” is one of those.
I sympathise with you on the sunglasses comments. I’ve worn precision tinted lenses since I was 14. As they are dark, I’ve experienced sarcastic comments or silly questions. I find I got most of these when I worked in retail. Xx
It’s a hard one because I think sometimes people sometimes say it for conversation or they run their mouth. So although usually harmless, it’s still not an okay comment or question to ask. I have had people ask me before and when I explain they try to invalidate my health conditions and it really makes me quite upset.
Tamsin xx | http://www.ecofluffymama.com
I completely agree, very rarely people mean to cause offence. I think it’s often that their curiosity gets the better of them. It annoys me that these are people who don’t know my name, yet think they have the right to ask me such a personal question without a thought for what that answer could mean to me. I’ve been in the position where people try to invalidate my conditions too. It’s a horrible feeling. I’m pretty sure they do it because they feel awkward or guilty & want to deflect that. But actually, they just make the situation so much worse & the one person who has no reason to feel bad ends up feeling awful. Xx
This is a bloody awkward one, I think the best way to handle it is not to go on the offensive myself. We are always saying that we want to spread awareness of our conditions (I have POTS and awaiting diagnosis of what feels like 100 other conditions), and it is very hard to spread this awareness in a way that allows for people to openly ask questions, and not cause offense in return.
Personally I don’t get offended easily and am a bit of an open book, yes there are days I don’t want to chat and will gently explain that I am not feeling well and my medical conditions are playing up. Other times I try not to take any offense and give people a basic but open answer which allows them to ask more if they are interested or leave the conversation there (I am also not one for forcing awareness on people but that’s just me).
I know its hard if your more sensitive to questions and comments from people, but my advice would be to try explain if you feel you want to, maybe even get some little cards made up with your blog address on, and if you are not in the mood then just say its due to a medical condition that is progressive, that usually kills most conversations. If you experience abuse or arguments back then its time to get on the phone and complain, remember your their customer after-all, but if their interest in their customers condition is genuine, why ruin an opportunity to inform them and even raise awareness, you could even find out they know or are related to someone with your condition.
I hope you understand my point of view (I have been told I can be a bit blunt typing online) and please don’t take any offense to any of my comments, I merely just like to see situations from any point of view, and I am sure in 90% of cases the delivery men you speak of were not intending to cause offense even if what they said ultimately did.
It’s definitely a difficult one, as it’s so hard to know whether someone is asking because they are genuinely interested or just nosey. I started off giving people a short, easy to understand explanation, but the number of times I would be made to feel guilty for answering made me really uncomfortable. Replies such as “well at least you don’t need a wheelchair” after explaining also made me uncomfortable. I think comments I receive from strangers have also contributed to me being nervous about answering. Being told I’m too young for a mobility scooter, for example.
I love your idea of giving out cards with my blog address on! I have some already but hadn’t thought to use them in this way. It’s perfect! It avoids the potential for rude comments & people will be able to take their time to understand, rather than just having a quick answer.
I’m glad that there are avenues to take for customer complaints, but I’d rather just avoid the situations that would warrant them. Stress & upset negatively affect my PoTS, so my wanting to avoid questions that could turn nasty is partly a self preservation thing.
I completely understand your point of view, it’s one that I held until about 6 months ago, when the direction of some conversations were taken in very upsetting directions & I started receiving comments while out & about. I also completely agree that the vast majority of people aren’t meaning to cause offence. But it’s the ones who don’t think about what they’re saying who ruin it for those who are genuinely interested & want to lean, as well as the disabled person themselves. Xx
I got the perfect opportunity to give out a business card with my blog address last week. We seemed to be having a genuine conversation about EDS. Unfortunately, the taxi driver then went on to tell me that “If you pray hard, God will do miracle.” Which I found insulting to my disability, my strength of faith and my God. Xx
This kinda thing makes me very uncomfortable. Respectful people don’t ask for an explanation. it is up to us whether or not we disclose but it is wrong for those in a position of service to take advantage of the interaction to appease their own personal curiosity.
Just like it is inappropriate for a dental hygienist to ask about your finances, it is inappropriate for these delivery drivers to make any comment or ask questions unrelated to the service. To me, these delivery drivers are providing bad service.
A more appropriate line of questioning would be service related like “Do I need to bring the package inside for you?” Service training should include sensitivity training so things like this don’t happen. It’s like a stranger walking in your home and rummaging through your private belongings. I am sorry this happened to you Tania! I don’t think it is okay at all!
I’m so sorry you have to deal with it too. I just don’t understand, do people not think that it could cause a lot of emotional stress, or do they just not care!?!
You’re so right about asking a related & helpful question. Some people might not want to ask for help, for a variety of reasons. But if it’s offered, they may take it. This gives the disabled person an option to elaborate on why they need help, but it puts no pressure on them to do so. I’m getting used to the comments & questions, but not the uncomfortable feeling. Next time someone asks me, I’m going to tell them I’m a real life mutant. I’ve got a few random, made up scenarios to tell too, courtesy of a friend! Haha
I love your analogies, they’re spot on! Xx
Yes! I wrote a blog post recently about how inappropriate it is for strangers to ask about fertility (people always ask me when my husband and I are going to have kids, even people I just met). And many people seemed to think it was no big deal and I need to just get over it. But the trouble is there is no easy way to handle these people. I don’t always have the time or energy to explain all the medical reasons, nor do I think I should have to, but simply saying we do not plan to have kids always launches people into all the reasons we should change our minds. It’s a downright heartbreaking topic for many of my friends, but because society sees it as an appropriate topic, they end up dealing with the questions again and again. This is why we raise awareness, don’t ask nosey questions about another person’s health, seriously!
I’m 100% with you on this, it’s totally inappropriate. I can’t understand how people think asking question like this is ok! They don’t know if the person they’re asking is struggling with infertility or has had a miscarriage! I’ve had a few instances of people asking me if we’ve “any news” and it’s very uncomfortable. We’ve had several barriers put in our way, including having to stop trying while I had my gastro tests and going through the unbelievably stressful process of fighting my PIP decision. When people have asked it just ads to the frustration I’m already experiencing. I’m not sure what they hope to achieve by asking the question either. If a woman is pregnant and wants that news to be publicly available she’ll tell people. She won’t just wait for them to ask. If she hasn’t told people then it’s because she isn’t pregnant or is in the early stages of pregnancy and doesn’t want people to know yet. I’m sure some women feel forced to reveal earlier than they’d like by question like this, which is awful! It’s all so unnecessary. Xx
I agree completely! It always puts me in an awkward position because there is literally no good answer to the question that strangers will accept. Glad I’m not the only one that feels this way.
Yes! So many either get offended by my very polite answers, are rude to me because of my answers or feel they can ask even more inappropriate questions. It really is a no win situation. Xx
So true!