Ring Theory Of Kvetching: What Not To Say

Have you ever wondered how not to say the wrong thing? The Ring Theory of Kvetching is something a friend pointer me in the direction of & after recent events. I thought it would be a great thing for me to be able to draw out to have a visual to help me manage life’s difficulties, my relationship with people other & where they fit in with my difficulties. It can be adapted for any personal experience. It was created by psychologist Susan Silk, drawing on her experiences of breast cancer & how people reacted to this & her. The definition of kvetch, is a person who moans a great deal. In this case, the person doesn’t HAVE to moan, but should be given the opportunity THEY need to do so & gain the support THEY need. You can read more about this on theguardian.com.

The basic principle of The Ring Theory of Kvetching is simple. The person at the centre of the ring is the one at the centre of the difficulty. You then have another circle outside the first with the next most affected group of people. You can have many layers of these rings. The person/people most affected by the event/experience in the middle & the ones least affected around the outside. The idea of the circle is that you ‘dump’ your problems from the centre outward & that you provide support from thee outer edges inwards.

I had a hospital appointment on Monday & there are a couple of things they want to keep an eye on. Some of the things I’m experiencing *may* indicate a problem. The consultant also said that one of my medications that I’ve been on for a long time & recently stopped doesn’t have much research/anecdotal evidence as to it’s impact long term. I’m one of the first & few to have used it long term as this was the best option for me. So it could just be that my body is still adapting to not having the medication in my system. I’m not going to talk about what *might* be going on, because I really don’t think it’s necessary. The hospital are going to keep an eye on things & investigate if they haven’t settled in a few months. Even if the hospital investigate, it doesn’t mean there is any problem at all & I’m really glad they are keeping an eye on me & will be looking into things early on, if necessary, so that *if* there is a problem, we can tackle it early on.

The silly thing is, that I haven’t been too concerned about the *might*, the *may* & the *if*.  I genuinely think that my body is just taking a little time to settle. I came off this medication a few years ago to try something else & things took a long time to begin to resemble normal. By that time, I was back on the original medication because the one I switched to made me very poorly. What I have been getting my knickers in a twist about is the reactions of those around me, one in particular. If you’ve read my Dear Fretter… post, which is an open letter the fretted in my life, you’ll have an idea of what I’m up against with one such person in my life. This is the person I’m now concerned about.

So in my ‘general’ Ring Theory of Kvetching, I’m the most important/affected, then Dan, then parents, etc, etc. A good example of how this ring works to support those affected is the dump out/comfort in principle. This is where people dump their problems outward & provide support/comfort inwards. If you consider my health & Dan’s position in the circle, Dan would ‘dump out’ his stresses to our parents & people past their circle. He would not dump out his concerns onto me, but would provide comfort. In principle, this is fantastic, but in reality people often don’t follow this principle. Instead, like in the case of my Fretter, they dump inwards. This is ALWAYS counter productive, causing EXTRA stress for the people closest to the problem & not helping the person doing the dumping in because they usually don’t receive the support they need because the person they’re trying to ‘dump’ out their problems to are going through enough on their own!

So if you’re wanting to help someone, imagine this circle. Where do you sit in relation to their problem? If you aren’t the one at the centre of the circle, make sure you are providing adequate support to those who are. Don’t moan to them, tell them how it’s affecting you or tell them what you think they should do. Ask them what you can do to help. If you need to moan or vent about the situation, make sure you do it to someone in one of the bigger rings, further away from the situation than you.

If you’re someone in one of the outer circles, you may not agree with how much you are told about the situation. For example, my parent’s didn’t tell my sister or me when my Dad got cancer. Some people wouldn’t agree with this decision, but they did it to protect us as we were both children at the time. Whether you agree with this decision or not, it was their right as the people closest to the problem as to what they shared & with who. Whether you agree with the decision of the people at the centre of the difficulties or not, they deserve respect for how they choose to share that burden.

I have decided that I will not be mentioning my appointment to the Fretter in my life. There is nothing to know at the moment & it will do no one any good for them to be worrying. If I need to go for investigation, I will keep this quiet from them too, after all there may be nothing wrong. Their stress about the investigations & what *might* be wrong will only add to my stress & may well be for nothing. As the person at the centre of the Ring Theory of Kvetching, this is my right & should be respected.

I really hope this has been helpful in giving some perspective on how people are affected by a problem & how best to help & support them with the Ring Theory of Kvetching. It’s made a lot of difference to how I see my relationship with my Fretter & I’m now determined to put myself first on aspects of my life.

Have you heard of the Ring Theory of Kvetching before? How do you make sure you don’t say the wrong thing to someone in need?

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