Ok, so I reckon most of you are wondering what the hell a devotee is and why one is targeting me. Put simply, a devotee is someone who finds disability sexually attractive. But not in a “I like tall boys” kind of way. Devotees get off on the struggles a disabled person faces doing day-to-day tasks. But why was I targeted by a devotee?
I shared the photo above from my styling a batwing jumper post on my Instagram. A popular account reposted it with my permission, which was fantastic for my follower count, but not so great in terms of the attention I received as a result.
You might think that my use of the word ‘targeted’ is dramatic. Why haven’t I just used a word like ‘contacted’? Honestly, I felt targeted by the way I was contacted. The photo was shared on Instagram, but the messages came via Snapchat.
I don’t have my Snapchat publicised on my Instagram account, so the only way I can think that this person found my details was by coming through from Instagram to my blog and then seeing the code. The fact that he went to the effort to do this makes me feel targeted. He specifically looked for my Snapchat details so that he could contact me via a method that would leave very little trace of his messages.
The first message was asking me why I use crutches and a wheelchair. I always try to be pleasant when answering these questions on social media, as the other person could also be disabled and looking for friends. But the direction his questions took quickly showed me that this was not the case.
“Send me photos”
“I want to see you in your wheelchair”
“Please reply”
“Show me your feet in your wheelchair”
“Why won’t you send me pictures? I’ve sent you pics of me! That’s what Snapchat is.”
These are just a snippet of the messages I received. I knew something was up when he asked for pictures of me and my wheelchair. My response to this was to tell him that my photos for public consumption are all on my Instagram account, but he kept pushing.
I decided the best way to find out for sure, would be to ask him outright; “Are you a devotee?” His answer of “No” confirmed to me what I feared. I was being targeted by a devotee. You might be thinking “But he told you he wasn’t a devotee, why did this make you think that he was?” Let me explain.
How many people, other than those with a disability or devotees themselves would know what a devotee is? Not many. If he wasn’t a devotee, I’d have expected him to respond with something like “What’s a devotee?” But he didn’t. This, coupled with the type of photos he was asking for and the method he used to contact me make me convinced that he was in fact a devotee.
I was targeted by a devotee, who came into my bedroom (it was a lazy Sunday morning in our house!) and asked me to show him my struggles for him to get off on. This is not ok.
I handled the situation by blocking him. For the most part, I was able to brush it off and carrying on with my day. But it really concerns me that this takes place. People with disabilities are, as a group, vulnerable. I am a strong woman, but what if the person being contacted was in a delicate emotional state? What if they were flattered by the attention and sent photos back? Where could this lead?
I consider myself to be very accepting of people’s sexual predilections. In most situations, it doesn’t bother me what you enjoy in your sex life. As long as these activities are between consensual adults and you aren’t hurting other people, I have no problem. I have issues with devoteeism though. Partly because people with disabilities are vulnerable group and partly because for a devotee, it is about the struggle. It isn’t about the person at all. Devotees don’t find the person attractive, just the disability.
I was targeted by a devotee, but I’m not alone. A number of my friends have had similar experiences. In a way, I feel lucky that they’ve spoken out about these, as it prepared me for when I was contacted. I think the thing that upset me the most about this experience was that it didn’t surprise me. A stranger targeted me because I am disabled, to get personal photos that they could get off to and I wasn’t shocked!
People with disabilities should not expect to be targeted by a devotee. This is not ok.
If you want to know more about devotees, Emily Yates, BBC3 presenter and Trainer for Enhance the UK filmed a documentary about devoteeism, which you can watch here:
Did you know that devoteeism was a thing? If you are a person with a disability, have you been targeted by a devotee? How did you handle it?
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I’ve never heard of devotees before. This sounds a bit scary though! Especially if they target someone emotionally unstable.
I hope you don’t get any more of these sorts of people targeting you.
Melissa x
http://www.memoriesandmishapsblog.wordpress.com
That’s my worry too. I was able to handle the situation, but many people wouldn’t. I’ve since had a devotee follow me on Instagram, so they’ve been blocked! Xx
It’s simply not OK!
People targeting anyone I find wrong as the attention is not wanted or requested. You have raised yet another issue I wasn’t aware of. Another excellent blog post. X
I completely agree with you! If you like someone (or think you do from what you’ve seen on social media) then you get to know them rather than trying to pressurise them into sending you photos of themselves! Xx
As I’m single and use Tinder and OkCupid, I tend to get a lot of what are either Devotees, or people who behave inappropriately towards disabled women.
I’m open about my disability on my profile simply because I know it would be a problem for a lot of people, and I want to filter those assholes out, or save having to explain it.
The worst I’ve had is asking for naked photos in my wheelchair, but I get a lot of questions about my disability as the very first contact, which would indicate they are merely a devotee and not interested in me.
I just block them and put it down to yet another shitty aspect of being a woman and being disabled.
One thing I would like to point out though (and this is meant with no malice), that when talking about orientation as a spectrum such as LGB etc, it’s not a preference. People don’t prefer who/the gender(s) they are attracted to, but I have no idea where devoteeism would fit into that, is it merely a fetish??
Fantastic post about something that is rarely discussed though, thank you.
Xx
I’m so sorry that you experience people being inappropriate towards you on dating sites. It’s really not ok.
Like you, I think it’s important to be open about disability/health in situations like this. My health conditions and now disability have shaped who I am and because they impact so much of life, it’s important for the people in my life to be aware of them. I’ve always been entirely open with employers. This has meant that I haven’t got jobs, but those jobs wouldn’t have been suitable for me with managers who discriminate.
I’m so glad that you use the block button and don’t get drawn in. It worries me how many people do get taken advantage of because they are flattered by the attention.
Thank you so much for your help in clarifying my meaning of ‘preferences’. I really appreciate you bringing to my attention how it read like thought sexual orientation was a preference. I would hate to harm the LGBT+ community, who already have so much to contend with. Xx
No worries am I’m glad you didn’t take it as criticism, I just know that some people can really get offended by it xx
No, definitely not. I tried to be so careful with how I worded things. I noticed when proofreading that I’d referenced being with one person, so I edited that because it wasn’t what I was trying to say. I didn’t want to exclude those who have more than one partner at a time. I’m really glad you let me know how those two sentences read together, because they didn’t represent my thoughts and beliefs. Xx
not been an issue for me, probably because I’m not as ‘public’ a face as you (not a critiscm btw), but ACK ACK ACK and how horrid for you – I’m really sorry you had to go through this
I’m so glad you haven’t experienced this. I assume a lot of devotees trawl through hashtags like #wheelchair to find people to fulfil their fetish. I’ve had a comment on a recent photo that I suspect is from a devotee. I find it really weird. Xx
I’ve sort of had it in reverse where I’m looking for information about living with my disability (I became disabled as an adult) and instead get collections of video clips of pretty young women putting on leg braces! My main feeling then was just frustration as I was struggling to find leg brace information through all the ‘porn’.
I’m so glad I’ve not come across this when doing my own research! It must’ve been extremely frustrating for you. If you still need leg brace information, I may be able to help. Xx
Great post, Tania. I had seen that documentary so was aware of this, but I am shocked that you were targeted this way. Very intrusive and upsetting for you xx
Thank you so much! I had expected to be contacted at some point, but not quite so soon and definitely not in this manner! Xx
I like the putter ! ! I am disabled a bloke, so how would I know whether I was being “targeted” by a “devotee”, “a gold digger”, or someone who actually wanted to be with me for who I am, rather than what I am. ? ? In my experience, only time really tells, because, unless it’s obvious at first sight, and even then one could be wrong and miss the opportunity to find out, it’s very difficult to find out if someone has a hidden agenda during just a few meetings. It happens over time to get to know what someone is really like deep down. And, I say this from experience of all sorts ! !
Hehe That photo was taken on holiday playing adventure golf.
I suppose there would different subtle (or maybe even not so subtle) signs for the different ulterior motives. For example, I wouldn’t expect someone who was interested in you for money to ask for photos specifically of your body with mobility aids. You’re right though, sometimes these signs can be very subtle and don’t become apparent until later.
Like you, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I’d hate to ignore someone who was disabled themselves and just looking for friendship and understanding. We need to support each other. But I think in this particular case, it was pretty obvious by the type of photos I was being asked for. Xx
I’ve never heard of the term devotee before. I’m horrified that somebody would target you in this way! xx
Beautylymin| LuxuryFragranceBundleGiveaway
I feel lucky that I came across the documentary about a year ago. Between this and having friends experience similar things, I was prepared when it happened to me. It freaked me out a little the way in which I was contacted though. To me, Snapchat is a private platform. You can’t search for people so he had to have looked for my code elsewhere. Xx
I had no idea this was a thing! You poor woman! Well done you for fighting strong against such a creep! And also for raising awareness, I never knew this was a thing. I hope you never experience anything like this again!
Laura
http://Www.dramaqueenconfessions.com
Thank you so much! I’m just glad that he picked me rather than someone more vulnerable. I’m very glad that I knew what was happening from seeing the documentary and having heard friends talk about their experience of this. Xx
Oh honey, I’m so sorry..and all I can say is that’s sick! I never knew ‘devotees’ even existed. Glad you’ve brought this to light, but nit so glad you had the issues :(
There are some strange beings in the world..can’t get over how weird some folk are.
Hugs & I hope you’ve blocked & reported them!
Xx
Thank you so much Heidi! I’m just glad that it was me that was contacted and not someone who didn’t know how to handle the situation. It worries me that there are very vulnerable people out there, who could be badly affected by being contacted in this way. I did also report when I blocked, but what’s been done about that, I really don’t know. Xx
I think I agree with the woman near the end of the video – it’s what you do with your attraction that makes it creepy or not. The people with fake profiles hunting down Instragram profiles of disabled people and sending them requests for pictures – they are sexually harssing people. Sexual harassment is creepy, illegal, and morally wrong.
I have fetishes of my own (bdsm) and I get that they’ll really creep out some people. Anything that involves people getting off on my day-to-day activities does seem creepy to me. I once had a man who heard that I swear a lot tell me how he got off on hearing women swear. It’s one thing for someone to be excited by me swearing or having mobility problems in the bedroom, but it unnerves me to think somoene gets off by me dropping a plate on the floor (whether they’re getting off on my shaky hands or me swearing). But I can’t say that it’s ‘wrong’ for them to feel aroused – they can’t even help it.
Interestingly, I liked watching the video that the woman in the documentary made because one of her feet turns inwards like mine, and she takes a while to get in and out of a car like I do. It’s nice to see other disabled people sometimes, even our disabilities are a bit different.
Yes, I agree. It’s what you do with your attraction. Part of my problem with acting on this particular fetish is how vulnerable some people in the ‘object of desire’ group are. In 2015, the Guardian published an article which stated that disabled women are twice as likely to be assaulted than their non-disabled counterparts. For a number of years, I had PTSD because of being sexually and emotionally abused. If I’d have been contacted in this manner while struggling with my PTSD, I don’t know how, or if, I would’ve handled it. I know I’m preaching to the choir here.
Like you, the getting off on the struggle creeps me out. It also makes me laugh a little in the context of me being contacted, because anyone who knows me knows that I don’t do ‘struggle’. I adapt, I find ways round things and I fight. But I don’t struggle.I try not to judge, but it’s hard when it’s directed at you. But this goes back to the problem being how people act on their attractions.
I like seeing other disabled people. It normalises what can feel like a very isolating set of circumstances. I’ve found Instagram particularly helpful. Not only for researching wheelchairs and power assist wheels but also for forming a positive self image as a woman with a (now visible) disability. Xx